Of Buggernaut Juice and Sex Gods
by RussianDestruction
Summary: When Severus finds himself desperate to get his hands on a valuable potions ingredient, Lucius offers to help him...for a price. Rated T for language and mention of slash/threesomes. (Also because I'm paranoid.)


**A/N: I think it's a good sign when you're sniggering to yourself while writing your own story. Hopefully some of you out there will agree. :D Enjoy this funny little oneshot! **

**For those of you who were/are following The Problem With Spitting (now complete), I was just editing it a bit, getting it all perfect and pretty, but then this insane plot bunny grabbed me by the ears, banged my head repeatedly against my keyboard, and forced me to type up _this_. True story!**

**I don't own Harry Potter or any of JKR's wonderful characters. I am not the genius. She is, and I am not making any money from playing in her world.**

Severus Snape looked pleadingly at his friend.

"You can't be serious about making me go through with this, Lucius," he told the smug looking blonde. "I'll lose all my sponsors."

"Should have thought of that before you took an oath, Sev," the older man responded cheerfully. "You'll just have to recline on the chaise you fabricated, won't you?"

Snape blinked.

"The bed, Lucius. I'll have to lie in the bed I made."

The elder Malfoy looked back at him guilelessly. "Come again?"

"The Muggle expression you are so ineptly searching for is, "You made your bed and now must lie in it." Snape favored him with a derogatory sneer.

Lucius knew better than to answer, so he simply ignored the correction. Inserting his cane between Severus' shoulder blades, he propelled the reluctant man forward.

"Go on! It'll all be over in a second."

Had Snape not been so distraught, he would have retorted: "That's what she said." As it was, he couldn't even manage a simple, "_You're_ all over in a second." (Which Lucius usually was.)

"Not the repercussions," grumbled the disgruntled Potions Master. "_Those_ will follow me around for the rest of my career."

* * *

Two weeks prior...

Severus was draped over one of the many sofas in the Malfoys' opulent sitting room, one forearm cast over his face in despair. One hand languidly clutched a fine crystal goblet filled to the brim with elf-made wine. He was the very picture of despondence. He couldn't even muster up the energy to hex Lucius for sniggering at his overly dramatic pose.

"Honestly, Sev, they say _I _have a knack for flair!" Lucius surveyed his friend, tossing his head so his sleek blonde locks settled over his shoulders like a golden cloud.

"No one understands!" groused the frustrated Professor. A nervous tic was beginning to pulse near his eye, and Lucius watched in fascination. "If I don't get this gods-damned ingredient, all my blood, sweat, and tears will have been for nothing! Months of work, Lucius. Months!"

Dragging his focus from his friend's twitching cheek, Lucius simply snorted.

"Blood, Severus? Really?"

"_You_ weren't there. _You _don't know what it's like to drill for the root secretions of the Snipping Snapping Sunflower."

"That's a lot of italics," said Lucius, deftly sidestepping the pillow that was immediately hurled at his face. "Such a fuss for nothing! What are friends for, my dear Severus, if not to throw about the weight of their influence in order to acquire such delightful things as Buggering Juice?"

"Buggernaut Juice."

"Whatever." Lucius rolled his eyes.

"Wait, are you saying you'll get it for me?" Severus' eyes widened with hope.

"For a slight price, certainly."

Severus subsided into the plump, uncomfortably be-jewelled cushions, his eyes narrowing in understanding. He knew how business matters were conducted between Slytherins. It could get quite sticky. Sometimes literally. The last time he had agreed to something in exchange for a "favor" from Lucius, he had found himself in the middle of a Narcissa/Lucius sandwich. She had, unexpectedly and somewhat problematically, become rather infatuated with him, and it had taken weeks before he and Lucius had managed to sort out their friendship.

"What is it you want this time, Lucius?" he asked, sipping pensively.

"Oh, nothing too terrible. Just a Wizarding Oath that you will indulge my whim upon one occasion of my choosing."

Wine exploded out of Severus' nose, adorning the fine carpet. Lucius squealed.

"Watch it, you bloody tosser!" He was up and dancing on his toes, prodding the carpet with the edge of his shiny shoe, examining it to determine the extent of its injuries.

Severus ignored his histrionics. "Like I'm daft enough to grant another Slytherin that kind of power over me..._again!_" He turned on his Bat-of-the-Dungeons voice. "What kind of idiot do you take me for? Look what happened last time! And that was just a run-of-the-mill verbal promise. An oath? I'd have to be a dunderheaded idiot!"

He was just about to continue, and tell Lucius where he could shove his oath, when the blonde man swooped over suddenly, seating himself so close to Severus that their thighs touched. Severus wondered if Lucius' tastes had recently narrowed in scope, namely, from bisexual to gay. He wasn't sure he could even be arsed to protest.

Lucius focused his gaze intently on his friend's face, his eyes becoming enormous as he bored into the dark pools with his mesmerizing steely grey aura...

Severus simply raised a disdainful eyebrow. "If this is your attempt at wizarding hypnosis, I forced myself to become impervious to it at fourteen, after being made to suffer through numerous sessions with a quack psychologist in the employ of the Youthful Wizards and Witchlings Protective Services program."

"Damn."

The Potions Professor rose and began to pace, leaving the elder Malfoy disconsolate on the sofa.

"Now, Severus, just be reasonable." Lucius could be persuasive when he so chose. "I'm the only one who can help you. You do realize you have no choice."

Sadly, Severus couldn't argue with this logic. None of his other friends had the same influence as the Malfoys, so he soon found his wand tip linked to Lucius'. Narcissa, clad extremely inappropriately in Severus' opinion, entered the room to act as their bonder. He huffed indignantly at the salacious wink bestowed upon him by the blonde woman, telling her impatiently to get on with it.

He had then had to specify what he meant (or, more importantly, what he _didn't _mean) by "get on with it".

* * *

Back to the present...

"If you don't step forward right now, Severus, and fulfill the requirements of this oath, I am going to hex your bollocks off," hissed Lucius. "Then I'll hex _you_ into the middle of next week. Your bollocks will never find you."

Severus knew he had to do it. His body was already starting to seize up as he tried to resist the powerful magic urging him on.

Lucius was poking him in the middle of the back with that damned cane again.

"Go on, introduce yourself," he prodded. "You know what you have to say."

He could do this. He was Severus Snape - war hero, recipient of an Order of Merlin, Second Class, and the winner of three consecutive Witch Weekly "Best Love Story Ever" awards. In comparison to that, this was nothing. Just nothing. Scratch that. In comparison to having to bed the shrill, demanding, and slightly unhinged Narcissa Malfoy, this was nothing.

"Greetings." His voice sounded somewhat choked, so he coughed slightly, hoping to clear out the pesky phlegm. "Greetings," he repeated, somewhat unnecessarily. "My name is Severus Snape, Potions Master and..." –he sighed, looking imploringly at Lucius, who punched his left palm with his balled up right fist threateningly– "...sex god," he finished wretchedly.

Thirty pairs of eyes stared back at him. Into the silence, Lucius began to giggle hysterically, until he had to bend down to clutch his cramping stomach. One by one, the visiting American guests joined in. Severus turned puce at finding himself the object of so much merriment. Some of them were even pointing as they chortled!

All but one.

"Well, he is, you know!"

Narcissa to the rescue.

This time, it took several _months_ for Lucius and Severus to sort out their friendship...

完

**A/N: Review, review, review! =) I hope you got a laugh out of this. Dear Severus. Sigh. I just love him, but sometimes I take perverse pleasure in making fun of him! Lucius was something else, huh? Who knew he had such a sense of humor!...**


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